Old Bill

"For a man in his 80s, you're surprisingly fit,

Although it's only natural, you've slowed down a bit. 

Your mind is still active, your balance is fine,

But it seems you have gout, so lay off the wine."

This was the advice from Doctor Dunlop,

To Bill, eighty-four, a long-retired cop.

Bill had been used to a sedentary life,

All cooking and cleaning performed by his wife.

Alas, Bill had been widowed, his life was on hold,

He seldom ventured out, if truth be told.

Things would soon change, for this former bobby,

He decided one day, to find a new hobby.

"I don't fancy golf, and I don't enjoy walking,

Book club's a no-no, as I'm not one for talking.

I wouldn't do well on a badminton court,

And bowling is out, as it's a seasonal sport."

With all of these thoughts going round in his head, 

Bill opted to join a gymnasium instead.

Initially shocked, as the fees were quite dear,

But he decided to pay, up front, for the year.

You could almost detect the palpable tension,

As £500 was relieved from Bill's pension.

On signing the contract, he instantly knew,

If he didn't attend, there'd be no refund due.

Nothing too strenuous, that would be hell,

A pastime where he might meet some ladies as well.

Perusing the schedule, what could he do?

Bingo! That's it, a yoga class at two.

Off home he toddled, for a quick bite to eat,

And back to the gym for some ladies to meet,

Into the room, where he would soon see,

He was the sole male, a class of thirty-three.

Bill realised he was the centre of attention;

The yoga advertisement had failed to mention,

That this was supposed to be an all-female class.

The instructor took pity, and gave him a pass.

Allocated a spot, in the middle row,

Bill felt self conscious, and wanted to go.

The posh-looking ladies were none too

impressed,

With his unironed shorts and faded string vest.

Bill was soon kneeling, on the laminate floor,

Eyes forward, head up, and down on all fours.

"Left knee up, to the side, stretch out those toes,

Bring back to the centre, and hold that pose."

Now his quick bite that day, had consisted of greens,

And a fibrous meal with a side of baked beans.

All of this stretching, with his knees wide apart,

Resulted in a lengthy, stentorian fart.

Bill burst out laughing, he found it hilarious,

Despite the incident being potentially precarious.

The ladies, as one, soon dropped their poses,

With a look of disgust, as they all held their noses. 

A silence descended upon the room,

In sharp contrast to Bill's sonic boom.

No doubt this was an obvious green light,

For an embarrassed Bill to exit stage right.

That was old Bill's one day at the gym,

He never returned, you couldn't blame him.

It turned out to be a £500 session,

A hefty price for a small indiscretion.

By Timmy T. Tominey